We are searching for a Grammatical Zoologist to address several issues that have come up in our company about incorrect usage of animals in conversation. For example:
"Sweating like a pig."
"Blind as a bat."
"Drinking like a fish."
It is our understanding that:
Pigs don't sweat. Bats aren't blind. And fish don't drink. The person selected for this position we believe would be the goose that laid the golden egg.
Oh, wait, is that not accurate either?!
"We got a new dumpster."
My mom and I were coming home from a walk.
"Your dad doesn't want trash put it in."
Now I know it's is shiny and black, but that is the point of a dumpster :0)
“I think my beard protected my chin.” I had a patient who had a saw bounce back and hit him in the jaw.
Now, hair does protect your face. However... I really think it was God that kept that demolition saw from mangling your face.
Ignoring this pugilistic advice can result in...
We recommend against punching...
You know the hymn "Jesus Paid it All"? Well, it has a line in it that confused me for years. It was the phrase about leopards. Don't remember that line?
Most people sing it, "Thy pow'r and thine alone, can change the leper's spots". I honestly thought we were singing about a jungle cat...until I was reading it as a teenager -- seriously!
(Though apparently some versions actually do read, "Can change the leopard's spots" as a reference to Jeremiah 13:23. In Jeremiah, God is asking rhetorical questions about things that cannot be changed outside the power of God. So, maybe the hymnal was really talking about cats when I was a kid!)
Kids are amazing. They think very literally and don't take punctuation into consideration.
"The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want." I memorized Psalm 23 in King James Version when I was so young, I am not sure I reached my mother's waist yet.
And that is the way I memorized it -- no comma. Which means, I don't want God. Which means my little mind knew the words, but had no idea what it meant. Because even at that age, I knew the Bible taught I should want God.
It took years for that misunderstanding to be de-mystified for me!
So, why aren’t those things in the Bible?
Lots of reasons, but most of all: God's Word is true (John 17:17b).
Rehearsing your standup comedy routine while at a funeral or getting a root canal is a great distraction, just don’t laugh.
Same author with some fun, quirky thoughts to make you smile!